What is it like to do something, anything, with people, or DID, or whatever someone wants to label me as? It’s pretty freakin’ hard. Never mind the depression and anxiety that I already deal with on a day to day basis; DID can literally make it impossible to get even simple tasks done in the course of a day.
I’ll start with the simplest of tasks… getting up. This used to be fairly easy for me, for many years, before there was much communication between my people and myself, and well before I knew what was going on. Having major depression made it difficult some days, but I’d still get up to go to work, be on time (mostly) and have a (mostly) productive day. Then I would go home to my fortress of solitude, maybe putter around doing this or that, maybe watch some TV, surf the web, or read a book. Not bad really. Then, there were the nights that I wouldn’t remember. On those nights, dishes would be left everywhere, things might be rearranged, but mostly it looked like a bomb went off. Those nights I would try to justify, until I started communicating with them several years ago, and learned what was going on.
When I started actually being able to hear my people, and vice versa (we kept a journal for some time until someone burned it) I have attempted to “bargain” and “negotiate” with them. The “this is my body and my life” argument really does NOT work, trust me. They all want their “out” time. It got to the point where they were “taking” the “out time” at work, which made me too anxious to go to work some days, for fear something awful would happen. This mostly occurred in my last two years of employment, and was concurrent with a medical condition I had going on at the time. The weaker I am, so to speak, the more they come out.
The main players have changed over the years, and no doubt they will change again. One of the most consistent, who can either be a help or one of my biggest hindrances, is J. He is the one I first became aware of, as a small child. I remember sitting in the back of my parents’ car one afternoon, going back and forth in my head with him, asking, “Who are you?” only to hear him repeat it back. I don’t want to pick on any “particular” person here, but when J gets it into his head that he’s going to come out, he doesn’t need a trigger, he doesn’t need a reason… he just sneaks out when I start spacing out, or just start not paying attention. I’m a vegetarian; he buys and eats meat. I try very hard not to drink on my medications; he buys alcohol. He “has fun.” And when he doesn’t have fun, I can get hurt.
Usually, they will stay here. I have asked that they stay here, because frankly I’m petrified of what they will do if they go out in public. They have “come out” in public though, when I was already out and about (I already mentioned the coming out at work, which turned problematic very quickly… or they would simply call in for me and say they weren’t coming in to work), and sometimes they take it upon themselves to go out and “get things that I need,” which usually involves junk food, alcohol, and/or cigarettes. Quitting smoking has been a constant battle not with myself, but with half a dozen people who will sneak to the store and buy cigarettes, or even bum them from random people in town, saying that they are quitting but “just need a couple.” It also seems that housework has been put on their “to don’t” list. Megs used to clean all the time; she was my little helper, and I was eternally grateful to have at least ONE person who was a neat-freak, organized to the point of OCD, and, well, a girl. My head has been so full of guys lately I’ve missed my girls. I think one of the biggest challenges is trying to pack right now, because none of them want to leave here. I try to get them to understand that we will have to move, eventually. It is inevitable. I am trying to just make it until I can move to a place with all of my dogs, and that none of us has to be separated for any length of time, because I think it will be very detrimental to our system. I’ve told them I’m working on it, but we still need to pack. Whenever I try, however, I usually find myself, several hours later, in bed, or sleeping at the desk, and nothing has been accomplished.
Then, there’s fun things, like walking with/playing with my dogs, training them, spending time with them. I like to give individual attention to each of my dogs every day. Sometimes, when I go to take them for a walk, one of the others will take over. Why? Because he or she wants to walk them and do training. That is MY time with MY dogs, and they are taking it from me. Watching TV shows; I will sometimes go to watch a show that I had watched a couple episodes of, and it will be a couple more episodes ahead of where I stopped. Again, they watched it without me. They can still watch in the “in between” place, they can still enjoy the walks from the “in between” place, but it is a constant battle to keep them there and me here. The more I stress about it, the more it seems to happen, so I try not to, but it is sometimes incredibly difficult. My dogs know some of them so well now that they even have favorites. J knows all of my computer passwords, and can buy a song on itunes without me knowing, which is why I recently emptied my checking account and just carry around the small amount of cash I have left with me; at least they can’t buy things online this way.
So, how is it that someone gets ANYthing done with this kind of crap going on? If anybody knows, please enlighten me. I’m sure I’ll hear about this post from them, and I just ask them, here and now, to please try to help me out with the things I mentioned above. We need to cooperate, to work together, as a “system” so to speak (I know most of you hate that word, but I can’t think of anything else) or I’m screwed. If I’m screwed, so are you guys, so, just think about it.